Poo Problems

American Poo problems

A few years ago I took my family for a holiday to Orlando in Florida. We had been once before and loved it, but that time we stayed somewhere near Kissimmee in a house in a gated community. This time we had decided to stay in the Comfort Inn behind the massive MacDonald’s on International Drive. We wanted to be closer to the action and spend a bit more time eating out in the area as opposed to eating at home or in the Disney Parks.

Just across the road from the hotel behind the petrol station was a restaurant chain called Golden Coral. There is nothing to compare this to in England really but essentially it is an all you can eat restaurant. However at this restaurant you can have almost anything at all. From Pizza to steak to salad to ice cream. But all of these selections are available all day.

For me though the best time to go is breakfast. It sets you up for the day for about $10 all you can eat. Being a bit of a greedy bugger I used to start off with a bowl of cereal before moving on to scrambled eggs bacon and sausages. After that it was juice yogurt finishing off with a banana. Yum!

Not sure if it is a problem for everyone but for me travelling that far seems to upset my pooing schedule. It could be the time difference or even the type of food, but each time I go to the USA it seems to take a while to get back into the rhythm or a regular poo time.

So after about three days of non-co-operation from my bottom imagine my surprise as my bum started to twitch whilst I was finishing off my coffee after my lovely breakfast. I am not a great one for using public lavatories but when needs must then needs must. Three days is a long time to wait especially when you are normally regular.

So off I went to the toilets in the Golden Coral. As I entered the room I was pleased to see that it was empty, there were two urinals and two cubicles. So in I rushed pulling my shorts down as quickly as I could. As I was about to perch on toilet seat I noticed a massive, (and I mean massive by toilet cubicle standards) gap between the door and the door surround! I have to say for me having a shit is something I am very private about and I was not in the mood for a stalkers gap around my door. So with a little ingenuity I rigged up some toilet paper to cover the gap whilst clenching my buttocks together.

Finally convinced that my poo process was about to take place in private I settled down on to the toilet set ready to let nature take its course. Toilets are ergonomically designed to aid the process, open up the cheeks of your arse basically and allow for ease of passage. I can never understand the reason why Muslim’s have an issue with this and in some workplaces squat on the toilet seat instead, but hey each to his own, I digress. So with a few large bottom burps nature was finally doing what came naturally.

However mid poo I heard the door to the toilets open and someone enter. Not wanting to draw attention to the fact that I was there I was once again in clench mode. How long was he going to be? Is he going to have a wee and leave? Could I hold it in long enough? The thoughts ran through my mind. But no he was not going to have a wee he was going to go into the other cubicle, and no I could not hold it long enough!

Plan B then poo quicker than he can and get out before he sees who I am.  To be fair I had smelt dead rats better than what I had just produced, if you get my drift? So I knuckled down to complete my mission. As I sat there concentrating trying to be quietly efficient a loud gruff voice with a Hispanic twang said “Hello”. What the fuck I thought Hello! Who’s he talking to? I decided to let it go say nothing and hope I heard it wrong.

Barely a minute passed and there it was again “Hello” clear and loud in a deep Hispanic voice. He’s definitely talking to me here I thought to myself, nobody else came in what the fuck. Now by this time you have already guessed what I am thinking! Could this be an American cottaging hot spot? I surveyed my location as quickly as I could desperately hoping that there would be no spy holes or worse some big cock sticking through a hole in the wall.

At this point I was still plopping poo for England with no sign of completion; I was stuck between a cock and a shit place! Thankfully as I looked around there was not a cock in sight and the walls were intact. But then there it was again the same tough deep gruff Hispanic sounding voice for the third time “Hello”! at this point I thought to myself I cannot ignore this forever I have to say something back.

Problem with this however is that I am a Londoner with a not so tough guy voice, not squeaky and effeminate as such but compared to a gruff Hispanic (Mexican mafia) type voice I did not think it sounded manly enough. So with one hand between my legs wiping frantically I put on my toughest deepest geezer voice and replied “YOU TALKING TO ME”? And just as the words left my lips my mystery man began to speak in Spanish but not to me though the man of my wild imagination was talking on the phone!

What a prat I felt, what an idiot he must have thought. I quickly washed my hands and rushed out of the toilet back to the safety of my family. By this point though I could not contain my laughter. I wasn’t chuckling though I was proper belly laughing. In fact I was laughing so much I was making the people around me laugh even though they had no idea why I was laughing. As we left the Golden Coral I began to explain to my wife what had happened as I was doing so I laughed so much I ended up giving myself an asthma attack.

That was about 6 years or so ago now but every time I tell the story I does make me chuckle, not sure how it translates into the written word here but I hope it made you chuckle too.