Once a blond always a blond.............Moment

Caroline’s Blond moment………….

 

In 1985 my wife and I had just moved in to our first home together. We were both 19 years old in low paid manual jobs so our first home was a mobile home on a caravan park. To us though it was freedom, a chance to be together and do what we wanted without interference.

We eve joke today about the first nights of sleeping together in a bed and still thinking a parent was going to come in and catch us! Back then our parents were still very strict, even though we had been together for 2 years we still weren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed at each other’s parents’ house. Hard to imagine nowadays.

As with all new home owners we wanted to put our own stamp on the place and so we set about decorating. Our bedroom we decided to make a very pale green colour but we also wanted to get new carpet. In those days there was a DIY shop called Texas homecare so off we went measurements in hand.

Sure enough we managed to pick out the carpet we wanted and called the assistant over to sort it out. Although there was credit cards these were generally for people who had money, shop credit was also not around at the time nor was there debit cards. The only way we could pay was cash. So as the shop assistant cut the carpet length out we needed and began to roll it up Caroline looked at me and gestured for me to pay.

This came as rather a shock to me as I had specifically given the cash to her to put into her purse for safe keeping. I therefore did what any man would do in my position, I opened my eyes wide and nodded to her (body language for you sort it out). To which she tilted her head to one side gave a frown (body language for NO you were supposed to sort it out), It was at this point the shop assistant noticed the look of horror on my face and realized he had just cut a large section of carpet off of a roll for a pair of divs with no money!

As cool as I could I told the shop assistant that we had left our money at home, Caroline then decided this was a good time to start pissing herself laughing. I was like Queen Victoria not amused. The more I was not amused the more she laughed and the more she laughed the less amused I became. Fair play to the shop assistant though, he never panicked or worried he could see this was not intentional. He obviously felt sorry for me as well having this crazy bird laughing her arse off to my red faced embarrassment.

The very next day I was back to pick up the carpet, needless to say I went alone and I took the money from her purse (which was sat on the mantle the whole time) with me checking my pockets every few minutes just to make sure I still had it.

Up until 2004 I used to tell people this story as the time when Caroline embarrassed me the most. However in 2004 this would all change.

2004 was not a good year for us as a family Caroline became very ill with Crohns disease but we had managed to get ourselves away on holiday to Cyprus. It was Easter time in Cyprus which was a week earlier than it was in England. The holiday was eventful due to Caroline being hospitalized but that is part of another story.

On our last day we did what we always do by going around saying goodbye to all our friends that we have known in the area. To save money a friend who owns a car rental business offered me a jeep to go back to the airport in. He had to drop a car of the next day so it would help him at the same time. All I had to do was park it up in the car park and lock the key under the mat on the driver’s side. Great!

The airport is about 45 minutes away and as there was 6 of us the cost of a cab was around 50 Euros, so quite a saving. Bearing in mind this was the end of the holiday cash was running low and so any saving was a saving worth making.

Our flight was early hours of the morning and so blurry eyed we set off to the airport. We arrived in good time and I did as asked and locked the car up putting the key under the drivers mat. I loaded up the trollies with the cases and two Cypriot BBQs (excellent bits of kit well recommended).

 

 

I joined the queue for the booking in desk as the dad I always collected up the tickets and passports and took them to the desk to answer the questions. Caroline did her normal “I’m off to the loo” routine followed by our daughter and my future daughter in-law. I was in the queue for quite a while but finally I made it to the desk and placed my papers on top for the checker to go through.

There was a bit of a pause, she looked at the papers then looked at me, then looked back at the papers again. “I am very sorry but you are late for your flight” she said “No I can’t be we left well in time” I replied “not early enough for yesterday!” she quipped “yesterday? Yesterday what do you mean yesterday?” panic had started to set in at this point. “It’s a very common mistake sir “she said trying to make me feel less of an idiot “as it is the early hours to book in you have read the date incorrectly you should have been here yesterday morning”.

I turned to face the queue looking for some kind of answer, Caroline was stood there all lovely and tanned happy smile on her face. I gestured to her to come and join me (you know the concerned nod of the head) she looked confused and mouthed “what?” I gestured again and added a pout and widened my eyes, she knew I was serious now.

Over she came big smile but confused “what??” “What time is our flight?” I enquired “4 o’clock” she replied with clear certainty. “Yeah 4 o’clock YESTERDAY!!!!” I exclaimed.  She looked at the lady on the desk and then looked back at me. She then proceeded to laugh, and laugh and laugh. The more I said its not funny the more she laughed. She then proceeded to walk away leaving me stood the like a complete plank.

As it was Easter the flights were fully booked up we were not going anywhere that day. Trying to get any sense out of Caroline in terms of what we need to do next was impossible. She was laughing and joking with an armed solider (who to be honest looked rather bemused).

On this holiday at this time two of our children were still at school our eldest son was in his first job as was his girlfriend (our future daughter in law). Of course both Caroline and I also had jobs to return to. So top of the list this all had to be sorted as well as how and when we would be able to get back home. But more pressing was what were we going to do now.

We finally (amongst her hysterics and that of the kids) decided the best thing to do was go back to the apartment to get some sleep and deal with the issues the next day.  So off we went to the car only to realize that as instructed I had locked the keys inside! Cabs it is then so off we went to the airport taxi rank. As it was Easter all the Cypriots were on a day off so there they were a group of stand in Russians. Now as there was six of us with luggage we had to take 2 taxis. Not only that but the fee for each cab was now going to be 70 Euros each and guess who had to pay? Yep muggings here.

As these guys were stand ins they had no idea where Kapparis was so I had to direct the driver all the way. His English was shocking better than my Russian to be fair but still shocking. His driving on the other hand was worse than shocking. Evil Kenival would have been so proud. I have never been so glad to get to a destination alive than that day.

Going out the next day was rather odd as everyone we said goodbye to the day before had to do a double take, and of course that then made Caroline laugh all the more. We had to sort out work issues and schools and so on as well as booking new flights.

I managed to get some booked the next day but the demand was high as Cypriots living in the UK were now returning after the Easter holiday. In the end it cost me 600 Euros for the flights as well as the 140 Euros for the taxis. We were very fortunate that the friend with the car rentals took pity on us and offered to take us back to the airport for free.

So we could have a chilled out day we decided to go to a beach area we knew which was out of the way from everything. It had been a long couple of days and we had to be up early again the next day so chilled out was the plan.

You can always relay on kids to bring you back to reality and whilst we were sat snoozing on the beech this is what the kids decided to do!!

 

 

 

Needless to say we did have a good laugh about it and we have lived off of this story on more than one occasion. When Caroline went back to work they actually put banners up and filled her work area with paper airplanes, work places can be unforgiving.

The thing that makes the whole situation worse is that for days leading up to the holiday Caroline kept on correcting everyone with the return date, but we had the right one and her persistence convinced us that she knew what she was doing.

Since that holiday I have always ensured that I check the tickets and organize everything, that trust has long since gone. Had I got another weeks holiday out of it I might not have been such a misog about it.

 

Caroline did not learn her lesson though as she went on to nearly miss her flight out of Heathrow with her mum because she was too busy in duty free!!!! But that’s another story, I guess it’s just part of her overall charm and why we love her.

Cyprus times part 2 Demetris

Cyprus times part 2 Demetris

I first met Demetris in 1997 when he was working as the complex manager in his families holiday apartments in Kapparis in Cyprus.

I immediately liked him he was really friendly and helpful and just good fun. In the evenings he ran the pub at the front of the complex and made sure you always had enough to drink more than enough in fact!

He had managed to sell me several 2 and a half pint jugs of Keo in my first year there. In my second visit he somehow convinced me that using these 2 and half pint glasses to drink brandy sours was a brilliant idea!

Having been a big drinker in my early days I had had many hangovers. However this hangover is by far the worst I have ever encountered.

The following day after the night before I found myself curled up on the cold tiled floor of my apartment in the fetal position, groaning and groaning.

I could not stop being sick each and every time I tried to stand up or even lift my head off of the floor.

My wife was less than impressed and went to the pool with the kids. her parting shot however was "we have booked to go on the boat trip this afternoon, if you spoil that  I wont forgive you"! 

I did try to go to the pool but like a Gremlin as soon as the sun was visible I was in pain. In the end I did make the boat trip more out of fear than desire but I did make it.

One of the other activities that Demetris organised was a weekly football match, tourist Vs locals. On this occasion little did we know that the locals was going to be the local Police force. Not much of an issue to be fair, well not until they scored a goal. At this point out came the hand guns blasting without care into the sky!

Fuck me I said to one of the others"what will they do if we score?"

Demetris had a fascination with magic, at the time in England magic was not very hip. We had Paul Daniels as the main magic on TV, this was long before the hip and trendy magic of David Blaine and Dynamo. So me and my friend Big lee (so called because he was very tall and I am very short) took the piss a fair bit about it.

During the winter season Demetris went to Holland with his girlfriend Sandy. Whilst there he had trained to become a proper magician. His idea was to do shows around the local resorts in Protaras and Ayia Napa which eventually led to a massively successful entertainment business.

I was buying an apartment at the time and both myself and big Lee had to go to Cyprus in January. Without hesitation Demetris organised an apartment for us to stay in, he also gave us the key to his apartment and said we could go there and make ourselves food and watch TV until he returned a few days after we arrived. It was during this time that Demetris practiced his tricks. We were sat in the lounge where he proceeded to perform a trick. He took a cigarette and started to smoke it making sure that it was glowing hot. He then made it disappear in his hand.

 The only problem with this was that the trick was made possible by a fake thumb, Demetris is Greek Cypriot and to be fair pretty dark skinned. His fake thumb however was clearly that of a Dutch white man.

Big Lee and I fell about the floor laughing hysterically, Demetris could not see the funny side at the time which made it even funnier.

Some time later Demetris invited me and my family to see his show at a hotel in Ayia Napa. He had worked really hard and to be fair his magic show had come on leaps and bounds. It was still early days so there were a few glitches and this night did make us laugh. We were unsure exactly where this hotel was and so we rushed in late just before the show started. As we entered I sent my wife mum and kids straight to get a table whilst me and my dad bought the drinks. It was taking ages to get noticed at the bar which is unusual. It was then that my dad gave me a nudge. "what? whats up?" I said "we're in a German hotel! you gotta the Hitler youth next to ya!" (not the most PC person my dad). As I looked around it became abundantly clear that we were indeed amongst the German tourists. The man my dad referred to was huge with tattoos right up his neck I took a gulp and hoped he had not hear
We stood out like a sore thumb me in my England polo shirt and my dad calling out Oi John to the barman, but hey we got our beer and slipped off to our table.

Demetris came out to start his show all dressed up in his dickie bow and slicked back hair. As he started to perform what became clear very quickly was that the German audience and the English audience applaud differently. We were enthusiastically clapping and cheering where as the Germans preferred the slow clap approach. I have to be honest I was tickled by this. The other thing that tickled me was the fact that Demetris kept on forgetting to smile because he was concentrating so much on the trick. Eventually he would remember he was supposed to smile and broke out into a big grin. Inevitably the smile always came at the wrong time and looked really false, it was comical.
The final trick sticks in my mind the most. It required audience participation, so up to the stage came a young well dressed German man.

Demetris proceeded to talk to the guy in German with the focu being around the guys jumper. There was a little banter with Demetris implying that it was an old one. The German man replied with a stern "Nine" he seemed very proud of his knitwear. Demetris pushed on "I put a little fire in the middle"? "Nine Nine" replied the man getting more and more agitated. Of course we was wetting ourselves whilst the rest of the German audience sat in silence just observing.  Demetris proceeded to start his cigarette and gathered the mans sweater into his hand. As he placed the cigarette into the middle of the jumper and the smoke started to woft from it the mans faced turned to panic! I was almost crying! But like a pro as Demetris brushed the sweater down there was of course no little fire!
The German participant was astounded in complete shock and awe of what had just happened. The rest of the audience went wild, with nobody noticing the big white thumb on the hand of the tanned Greek Cypriot magician standing before them.

It was genius!

One night I was in bed when my phone rang "you hungry?" was the words on the end of the phone. "hungry? are you taking the piss i'm in bed its 1:30 in the morning!""Get up we are going to eat i'm outside?" At this point my wife turned over and said " is that Demetris? you better go he wont give up".

So up I get threw on some shorts and a tee shirt and sure enough there he was at the front door in his Pajero jeep.

Sat in the front looking like he had just been dragged out of bed as well was big Lee, and on the back seat was Manc Mark (so called because he supported Manchester United although he lived closer to Liverpool).

"alright Boys lets go eat" Demetris said without any concern that he had dragged 3 holiday makers out of bed in the middle of the night.

Kapparis is right on the coast and at the time was a under developed little village. It is part of a bigger town called Paralimni, this was where most of the locals actually lived away from the holiday resorts.

I did not know this area very well at the time and being dark and late at night I had no idea where we were going. The side roads around Paralimni are very narrow and winding and it was one of these roads that we eventually stopped.

like little lost sheep we exited the car and followed Demetris in to a dark and dingy looking little bar. What struck me immediately was that the place was full of men! Loads of men considering the hour but a distinct lack of women.

Where the fuck has he  brought us I thought, I kept my head down trying to avoid making eye contact with all these local blokes. We made our way to a tablea high one with bar stools and sat down. At this point I felt confident enough to look around and gauge my surroundings. There were women in the bar young women wearing very tight clothing. Its a fucking brothel I thought, the mrs is gonna kill me. I looked to Big Lee and whispered is this a brothel? "fucked if I know" he replied as we sat there the women behind the bar kept ringing a bell and the girls all started to cheer.

"Demetris what's going on here? what is this place?" please don't say a brothel I was praying. "Re (meaning mate) its just a bar we going to have some food what do you want?" "whats with the bell why all the men?" Demetris went on to explain that Cypriot men go out late after the tourists go to bed but not with women. The women in the bar are actually Bulgarians they don't get paid they work for tips or a paid drinks the more drinks bought the more the girl earns. When the bell rings the girls are getting tips! PHEW

Finally the waitress came and took the order cheese toastie for me, Demetris ordered Ambelopoulia, big Lee said "I will have the same as you Demetris" "Really your going to have the same? are you sure?"

Not having any idea what Demetris had ordered when it came we was shocked. Ambelopoulia is actually little birds like songbirds either pickled or boiled which are basically eaten whole. Demetris loved it, it is actually a delicacy in Cyprus. Big Lee not wanting to be out done but clearly uncomfortable with his meal pushed on regardless and ate his portion. I stuck with my cheese toastie best decision in my view.

This was not the only time Demetris would drag us out in the middle of the night for a meal. There was another occasion when he dragged big Lee myself and a guy called Steve out to a local taverna.

It was a very quite night in this taverna there was only a couple of other people there. The waitress was aware of who Demetris was and seemed keen to serve us. Demetris ordered (fortunately this time not little birds). 4 of the biggest steaks I have ever seen were presented to us. a huge bowl of chips and another of salad. On top of this were were given bottles of beer and a bottle of vodka. Following this we were given a selection of cakes for dessert.

Having filled our faces and drank a large amount of beer and vodka, Demetris got on the phone.

"hey re I'm in your restaurant, I'm with friends we are eating and drinking but re, we not gonna pay" down went the phone.

What the fuck! 

Not only that but as we left, beside the front door stood two concrete lions one each side, He opened the boot of his jeep and we loaded them in. Off we went with Demetris laughing his head off and the rest of us unsure of what we had got ourselves into. 

Demetris is quite a character a really nice person and a good friend. His entertainment business I am pleased to say was a massive success. He and Sandy had a fabulous wedding and now have two beautiful children. 

Demetris has remained a good friend to me and my family over the years, when my son got married in Cyprus he arranged wedding cars and cypriot dancers for him. As a wedding gift he also provided a blues brothers show and disco.

I AM VERY HAPPY TO CALL HIM OUR FRIEND.

Cyprus times part 1

Cyprus times part 1

Our first family holiday outside of the uk was in 1996 in Spain, we had a fab time and caught the bug of foreign travel.

Because we had no experience of booking holidays and feeling that Spain was a safe bet we decided to book up to go with my brother in law and his family as they had travelled that bit more.

As they live in Essex and we live in Dorset organising something as important as this had to be done via phone calls and duel holiday brochures. To me 1997 does not seem so long ago but the truth is in terms of technology it is a life time ago.

During the planning process we must have travelled all around the world trying to find somewhere that suited all of us. In the end the little Island of Cyprus became favorite.

I had known some people from Cyprus from my school days  but all I had known was there had been a war there and thats why so many Cypriot people had come to London.

Back then going to Cyprus was considered a little bit exotic and so we were really excited to be going. 

Our Hotel was showing in the brochure as Protaras which is a family resort with restaurants bars beaches and something for everyone. However when we arrived we was actually in a place called kapparis which is actually about 10 minutes (by car) away. What took my interest initially however was the shepherd herding goats up the main road outside our hotel.

My brother in law was not the most patient person at that time and so the sight of a shepherd and the seemingly isolated location meant that Dr Harold Shipman would have had more patience (oh yes I just did!). To add to the issue we did feel like we had been travelling for a considerable amount of time and it was getting dark. So it was decided to dump bags and solve our woes the only sensible way an Englishman abroad can!! Alcohol!

The good news is the holiday gradually got better and better, once we had found our bearings things improved. We found a taverna next door called socrates the guy who run it had only come back to Cyprus a few years earlier from London and so made us feel well at home. He didn't bat an eyelid when my nephew set fire to the table during dinner! even though we were all looking at each other expecting each other to deal with it! Caroline "Jack the tables on fire" Jackie  "Martin the tables on fire" Martin "the tables on fire? shit the fucking tables on fire". All par for the course for us.

It was at this holiday that we met some friends Demetris (who's family owned the complex) was working as the manager and Sandy his girlfriend who was the entertainment person. Sandy worked very hard with the day to day activities and we took part happily. There was water volleyball and our favourite water polo. Demetris little brother Marios and his cousin Demetris (yep its a common name) would come over after school and try to drown us as we played.

It was on this holiday that there was a few medical emergencies. Firstly my two youngest children got chicken pox and my eldest son was rushed into the local hospital for an emergency circumcision! To be fair that was a bit of a worry at the time, strange country strange hospital but they were fantastic. Two days later he was doing backflips into the pool and he had no infections or complications at all!

The biggest medical situation however was the massive hangover I suffered mid way through the two weeks. One of Demetris jobs was running the Kennedy pub adjacent to the complex. It was here that he plied me with 2 and a half pint sized glasses of Keo. My Mrs made the mistake of leaving me there on this particular night with just my eldest son for company. I do recall leaving the bar however after that point I have to rely on my sons recollection. He was nine years old at the time but he managed to direct us back to our apartment. Fortunately we were on the ground floor and the Mrs had thoughtfully left the patio doors unlocked so as to gain entry. 

All was going quite well as my boy assisted me climbing over the railings until I fell over the patio furniture the other side making an almighty din. "its OK dad just lift your leg you're nearly there" he said just before the fateful event. It was good practice to be fair I had to do it for my dad and I am sure my grandson will have to do the same for my son at some point. Its in the DNA!

It wasn't just my family who had the disasters, my nephew underestimated the heat in Cyprus where the temperature can reach the high 40 degrees and got himself so badly sunburnt that he could not go out in the sun for two days. Additionally my brother in law did a very impressive swan dive into the pool almost knocking himself unconscious by banging his chin on the bottom! 

One of the customs I particularly liked was the keeping of receipts in a shot glass and then paying at the end. I enjoyed it the most when I enquired what would happen if the receipts were lost? Yep you guessed it that was the only copy. There was only one thing for it! pop them in your mouth and chew. Demetris was stunned initially but did what any business man would do, try and prize my mouth open to retrieve the payment details! He took it all in good fun.  

There was a  craze in the 1990s for Laser pens, we had never seen them before and so when the kids bought them my brother in law and I turned into big kids ourselves. One particular night we were sat in socrates having just finished our meal, when an elderly couple came walking down the road. My brother in law decided it would be funny to shine the pen on the back of the elderly mans bald head. As he was walking slightly ahead of his wife she could see it, the bright red spot moving around.

We sat in the restaurant in hysterics watching the woman slapping the old fella around the back of the head. You know what they say simple things please simple minds.

What began as a one of holiday to somewhere different turned into a 16 year (so far) love affair with Cyprus and its people. We have had many adventures there so look out for part Two...

TO BE CONTINUED...............................